"Nobody knows.....nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry. If I could pretend that I'm asleep when my tears start to fall. I peek out from behind these walls...I think nobody knows.....nobody knows, no...."
Pink
Every day, I put on the facade. My friends didn't know. My husband sometimes knew. And to everyone else, I was easy-going, happy, friendly and coping well with my two toddlers only 16 months apart. To everyone else, I loved being a mum and had it all under control.
But inside was a war zone – with myself.
It was an endless cycle of loving motherhood, hating motherhood, being tired, pissed off, flipping out in anger, feeling guilty and hating myself. I threw things, screamed, swore, then would see the scared looks on my toddlers' faces and then fall to my knees in a heap, devastated at the mother I had become.
I felt like I was everything I swore I would never be as a parent and felt I was failing miserably.
But there was no way anyone was ever going to know that. I was the achiever. I got things right! I was SUPPOSED to be a good mother. How could I tell anyone that I had failed? How could I even admit that to myself?
So I sat there and suffered day in and day out until finally, after getting so angry, I slammed a knife on the bench so hard in anger, that it bounced off and narrowly missed my (then) two-year old's head, I finally realised enough was enough. I had to change, so I dedicated my life to doing exactly that!
After retraining myself to completely change the way I felt about parenthood, I began to educate other parents that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you don't have to go through this feeling alone.
You can turn all this around and I want to help you to do so. I don't want anyone to feel the way that I did.
I want you to know that there are so many parents feeling the same way that you do, the way that I did, and I don't want you to ever feel ashamed for what's happening for you right now.
You are not a bad parent. You are a parent who just needs a shift in their mindset, an education in self-worth. A parent who is just receiving a wake-up call for their personal development.
On the other side of this you are a confident, happier, calmer and reality-focused parent who is able to share your new found wisdom with your children and help them avoid depression and anxiety in their futures.
This is, undoubtedly, the hidden good in all this. So when will it be time to learn how to change? Today. Don't leave it any longer. You can do this.
Showing you the way...
Jackie
To find out how we can help you, head over to our Bring My Family Calm Program that will help you to turn it all around.